Session 4 Assignment
"This novel, set in southeast Asia in the 21st century, is a masterpiece of both simple storytelling and creative symbolism. Though it was written by a member of Generation Z, there's plenty here to inspire readers from any generation and from any country around the world. It is a tale about a nation in the throes of change and a family navigating its way through these times. One is left feeling inspired and full of hope. It is astonishing that this is only the first novel by this brilliant new talent from Indonesia. Bravo!"
~ The Times Literary Supplement, London.
_______________
That was a book review that you had a dream about last night and, in that dream, you were the novelist the reviewer was talking about.
The next morning, by coincidence, you see this mysterious job offer in The Jakarta Post:
You are inspired by your dream to apply but the deadline in this evening at 7.30 pm.
The book is about a person named John aged 31 and how his love life is, the book tells about the struggles he faces trying to find someone in the city of New York, in a city of almost 19 million people he believed that he was bound to find the right person, the struggles that he faced was mainly because of himself although not all the time, John had crazy standards as he was still a little bit hung up on his ex (they dated for almost 5 years), he had a few approaches to find his life long partner, he used dating apps, he picks up women in a bar, he asks his friends if they know somebody. In a summary of all the girls he met and dated there were a few odd balls, he dated an ex convict, someone 15 years older than him, a billionaire, and a crazy person. It was one hell of a ride to find the one, her name was Ashley three years younger than him she was smart, funny, attractive, a high achiever, kind and looks out for her family. When they first met it was not instantaneous attraction, but slowly they grew fond of each other and started to date, there were also ups and downs in their relationship that was told throughout the end of the book.
ReplyDeleteA few wise words from Adrian about your proposal: This could clearly be an interesting novel – as long as it has a strong humorous vein – and perhaps it would be entertaining specifically for people who are lonely, single and looking for love. That’s good as far as it goes. But how broad will its appeal be? In so far as it might be rooted in Indonesian culture, it would not suit the norms and values of most people but would, instead, appeal to a certain strata of people living in urban areas. The character John would need to have family or friends around: people advising him; people supporting him; people criticizing him. Your idea is interesting but you’d have to ensure there was emotional depth and good reasons for your readers to empathize with your central character’s personal struggle.
DeleteCompare how you wrote it to how I have written it: First yours… “The book is about a person named John aged 31 and how his love life is, the book tells about the struggles he faces trying to find someone in the city of New York, in a city of almost 19 million people he believed that he was bound to find the right person, the struggles that he faced was mainly because of himself although not all the time, John had crazy standards as he was still a little bit hung up on his ex (they dated for almost 5 years), he had a few approaches to find his life long partner, he used dating apps, he picks up women in a bar, he asks his friends if they know somebody.”
And then my version which may have a mix of grammar changes, punctuation, word choice changes, style changes etc. In this case, you have written a 120-word sentence which is a bit of a mess! Take a look at my version of it: “This novel is about a 31 year-old man named John and his love. It tells the story of the struggles as he tries to find a partner in New York, a city of almost 19 million people. He believes he is bound to find the right person, but the struggles that he faces are mainly his own fault although not all the time. He has crazy standards as he is still a little bit hung up on his ex whom he dated for almost 5 years. He has a few approaches to finding his life partner: he uses dating apps, he picks up women in bars, and he asks his friends if they know anybody.”
This novel is about the advancement of technology in the world. Just recently, the world has undergone some changes. The technology was on a whole different level. It wasn’t only handphones, TV, laptops, and flying cars but it was technology that could be inserted into a human body. This new technology was in the form of a small chip. This small chip functions as a “memory card”. A family in Indonesia decided to test it out by putting the chip into the child’s brain. This way, the family thought that they could control their child in the easiest way possible; by deleting bad memories and “blocking” people/things in real life. During the first few years of the child’s life, everything was going just fine, the child lived a happy childhood because all her bad memories were deleted and she wasn’t able to see bad people or things that made her scared because her parents “blocked” them from her memory (which means the child only have experienced happiness in her childhood life). However, as the child grew up, the child started to realise that their parents have been controlling everything in their life. This made up some complications and problems in the family and so they had to solve it.
ReplyDeleteA few wise words from Adrian about your proposal: Contemplation of advancing technology and its personal and social implications is a strong and appealing theme for the 21st century. Your story idea reminds me of a near-future science fiction TV series from the UK called Black Mirror. Your novel sounds like it will be quite sinister and this is a good strategy. I think the audience out there that your book wouild appeal to is probably more interested in the dystopian angle when it comes to new technology rather than purely happy, positive, optimistic ideas about how technology could affect our lives and the society around us. Placing an Indonesian family at the core of your story is a good idea because it will make the ups and downs of the narrative personal and realistic.
DeleteCompare how you wrote it to how I have written it: First yours… “This small chip functions as a “memory card”. A family in Indonesia decided to test it out by putting the chip into the child’s brain. This way, the family thought that they could control their child in the easiest way possible; by deleting bad memories and “blocking” people/things in real life.”
And then my version which may have a mix of grammar changes, punctuation, word choice changes, style changes etc.: “This small chip would function as a “memory card”. A family in Indonesia decided to test it out by putting the chip into their child’s brain. The family thought that, in this way, they would be able to control their child in the easiest way possible; by deleting bad memories and “blocking” bad people and things that were encountered in real life.”
My story is about two people, a man and a woman, who are both university students that are assigned into a group project for their final task of the semester. Due to certain circumstances, these two people haven’t met in person and have never really talked to one another until this day. At first, no one really interacted with one another because they were shy and timid, but as the deadline grew ever closer, they had to come up with a plan. Eventually these two people decided to meet and discuss the details of the project and how they would divide the workload. Things were very stale for awhile, with not much activity going on, but as more and more pressure was put on the two students, things started getting very hectic. Ideas and suggestions were being thrown left, right and center with new ideas being pumped out every few minutes. In such a short span of time, so much was being done, levels of efficiency within the group had reached unprecedented levels that were never seen before. Finally, late at night, when all was said and done, the two students decided to finally rest and celebrate. There they were, two students sitting atop a roof, gazing at the beauty of the stars and the night sky. They lay down, together, looking into distance, reminiscing about times past all while reflecting on the time they had spent together. All was calm and peaceful, when suddenly George, their third group member came barging in the room to inform them that the project they were working on had been canceled. Of course, their EWS teacher who gave them the task of writing a compendium consisting of more than than 800 pages was hardly an appropriate task for first semester students. And when the faculty found out about the shenanigans that were going on within the EWS class, they decided to relieve the students of their workload and gave all of them a perfect score to compensate. The man and woman's paths would go on but would be never intertwined again. And that is a story of how an EWS class built and ruined the budding relationship of two university students.
ReplyDeleteA few wise words from Adrian about your proposal: “Certain Circumstances” might make a good title for this novel! Of course, I love the fact that I am going to be a key character in your plot. I hope I am cast to play myself in the film version of the book. I want the power of veto over whoever they choose to play the EWS teacher if they decide against using me. No ugly actors please! Far from being a person who wants to ruin “the budding relationships” of EWS students, I am more than happy to act as a matchmaker. If anyone wants me to relay messages to the object of your romantic interest, I can do that. Furthermore, if I have to excuse EWS students from doing any or all writing assignments in order to manitain my popularity and the love people feel for me, I can do that. No problem.
DeleteCompare how you wrote it to how I have written it: First yours… “Of course, their EWS teacher who gave them the task of writing a compendium consisting of more than than 800 pages was hardly an appropriate task for first semester students. And when the faculty found out about the shenanigans that were going on within the EWS class, they decided to relieve the students of their workload and gave all of them a perfect score to compensate.”
And then my version which may have a mix of grammar changes, punctuation, word choice changes, style changes etc.: “Of course, their EWS teacher who gave them the task of writing a compendium consisting of more than than 800 pages [I DIDN’T. YOU HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD WHAT THE COMPENDIUM IS, AAAGGHHH] was hardly an appropriate task for first semester students [YOU CANNOT LET STUDENTS DECIDE WHAT IS AN APPROPRIATE TASK, I AM THE EXPERT, I DECIDE]. And when the faculty found out about the shenanigans [SHENANIGANS? SHENANIGANS? WHAT ARE YOU ON ABOUT AAGGHH] that were going on within the EWS class, they decided to relieve the students of their workload [NO, NO, DON’T DO IT, DON’T TAKE MY POWER AWAY] and gave all of them a perfect score to compensate [I CAN AND WILL GIVE PERFECT SCORES WITHOUT INTERVENTION FROM THE FACULTY, WE CAN MAKE CASH TRANSACTIONS, AND LEAVE THEM OUT OF IT.”
The genre of this novel is about family.
ReplyDeleteSo once there is a family lived in a suburb. This family has three children, one son and two daughters. Their father is already a retired vet, and their mother is working as a cleaning woman in the city. They all lived in a small-medium house. The son of the family worked in the bank, and the two daughters currently studying in a public college. They seem to be the individualist type of family because they seem busy with their own life, thus making quality time with family impossible. Not only that, they seem to be attached by their phone and gadgets.
One day, The two daughter need to pay their tuitions, and suddenly the all of the money that has been plan to pay it is gone. After some investigation, The father of the family is addicted to gambling, and after he spent all of his own money into it, he lost it all. He thinks that if he "play" more, he will get his own money back, so he decided to do it with the college money for his daughters. And like gambling always does, he lost it all.
After they found out the family fought and after a long decision time, they think that divorce is the best choice. Because of that, the children must pick their parents, and surprisingly they all choose to their mother.
After one year, their father still addicted to gambling and started taking loans from their friends. And suddenly he doesn't feel happiness, and he is broke at the same time. On the other hand, even though their mother is managing three children, but they managed to survive, and their children turn into a successful person.
A few wise words from Adrian about your proposal: I like this set up. You are describing a very recognizable and conventional family unit which will resonate with your readers. We are not dealing with magic here, or science fiction or a dystopian vision, and that’s fine. This is much more of a “kitchen sink” type drama. From this context arises the topic of gambling and the devastating effect an addiction to it can have on the family. This is a strong theme and if you explore it well through the characters you create, I think this could appeal to a wide audience. One suggestion: despite his flaws and what he does to his family, you should probably try to make the father a somewhat sympathetic character. This would give your novel more psychological depth than if you simply poertary him as a villain.
DeleteCompare how you wrote it to how I have written it: First yours… “Their father is already a retired vet, and their mother is working as a cleaning woman in the city. They all lived in a small-medium house. The son of the family worked in the bank, and the two daughters currently studying in a public college. They seem to be the individualist type of family because they seem busy with their own life, thus making quality time with family impossible.”
And then my version which may have a mix of grammar changes, punctuation, word choice changes, style changes etc.: “Their father was a vet but has retired, and their mother is working as a cleaner in the city. They all live in a modest house. The son works in the bank, and the two daughters are currently studying in a public college. They seem to be a family of individualists because they seem are all with their own lives, thus making quality time with family impossible.”
Victoria, the modern Atlantis, used to be the greatest nation until the emergence of a blue-haired man. The blue-haired man barged into the Victoria White House and went directly to the main bedroom. "Your Majesty, I'm Oceano, from the future, and I'm here to inform you that you must stop trust and being kind to your Prime Minister and his family if you want Victoria to still be the greatest nation in the future."
ReplyDeleteThe King shouldn't trust that blue-haired man that popped out of nowhere. But, the King trust him.
Without the Prime Minister, the King could not handle the country well. Victoria wasn't the modern Atlantis anymore. The old Prime Minister and his family were forced to go to a small island that has no citizens. It was a significant change for the family. They used to live a luxurious and comfortable life. Now, it's hard to even find clean water. Victoria was falling and the citizens started moving to other nations.
No one would find them in that very small island. The only thing they can do is to cope up with the change and start a new life there. So, they did. No signals, no department stores, no live concerts, no group of friends, but they can still be happy. And they are even happier than before because they got family, and that's the most precious thing in life.
Stepping out of your comfort zone was never easy. But sometimes, the true happiness you've been looking for is there.
A few wise words from Adrian about your proposal: This has a historical feel but you state that it is set in the modern era, which I presume means now, right? You say “Prime Minister and the King could not handle the country well” but I wonder what powers each character has. A royal family having to cope with hard times and an ordinary life seems to me to be an interesting premise for your novel. You could easily use this plot line to symbolize the notion that “stepping out of your comfort zone is never easy” and I think your readers would find it interesting to find out about how they deal with the difficulties they face. There would have to be a story arc where we see them change, face adversity, and eventually prevail.
DeleteCompare how you wrote it to how I have written it: First yours… “No one would find them in that very small island. The only thing they can do is to cope up with the change and start a new life there. So, they did. No signals, no department stores, no live concerts, no group of friends, but they can still be happy. And they are even happier than before because they got family, and that's the most precious thing in life.”
And then my version which may have a mix of grammar changes, punctuation, word choice changes, style changes etc.: “No one would find them on that very small island. The only thing they could do was to cope with the change and start a new life there. So, they did: no phone network, no department stores, no live concerts, no group of friends; nevertheless, they could still be happy. And they were even happier than before because they had their family, and that's the most precious thing in life.”
It’s story about the life journey of a man who finally found home. A young man in the midst of finding what he truly wants. He was looking for a gate away, seeking for freedom. He will do anything to get that, no matter how insignificant it was. Either picking up new hobbies, joining organisations, anything that would get his mind off from all of his “problems. Later in time he found university, a solution of his problem. It was going great while he was at it. Until it was over. He found himself in the need of another gate away. Then he thought, “overseas it is”. Where he began his journey to Indonesia. Where he finally found his place. Why you might ask? You just have to wait for the book to be publish.
ReplyDeleteAs you can see here Mr Coen, I’m neither a good nor creative writer. Because this soon to be published novel is basically a rip off from the FEB Campus Weekend Podcast 03, because my imagination part in my brain is lacking. And not only that I miss the deadline as well.
A few wise words from Adrian about your proposal: Addressing me directly with your comments about how you admit to not being “a good nor creative writer” - and also talking about where you ripped it off from – is an interesting approach to marketing and self-promotion! As for it being based on my story (as related in FEB Campus Weekend Podcast 03), it’s interesting that you frame [1] going to university and [2] going abroad as, essentially, “solutions” to problems. I must admit, I don’t think I have seen it exactly that way before, but it’s a valid take on what I told people in that podcast. Actually, I have read your writing again, and the more striking metaphor you use is “gateways” rather than “solutions”. I certainly agree.
DeleteCompare how you wrote it to how I have written it: First yours… “It’s story about the life journey of a man who finally found home. A young man in the midst of finding what he truly wants. He was looking for a gate away, seeking for freedom. He will do anything to get that, no matter how insignificant it was. Either picking up new hobbies, joining organisations, anything that would get his mind off from all of his “problems. Later in time he found university, a solution of his problem. It was going great while he was at it. Until it was over. He found himself in the need of another gate away.”
And then my version which may have a mix of grammar changes, punctuation, word choice changes, style changes etc.: “This is story about the life journey of a young man who finally found a home. He was in the midst of finding what he truly wanted. He was looking for a gateway to the freedom he was seeking. He would do anything to get that, no matter how insignificant it was. It could be either picking up new hobbies, joining organisations, anything that would get his mind off all of his problems. Later, he found university was a solution of his problem. It was going great while he was there: until it was over. He found himself in need of another gateway.”
Raised around pirates, Hakiim grew up in an environment full of criminals, thieves and obviously pirates. He lives and eat on a pirate ship that was managed by his mom. Yes, his mother is the captain of a 75 person, 3 ship pirate fleet and the both of them plan to keep on sailing through the oceans of south-east Asia until they are the richest bandits on earth. As the pirate fleet robs one village after another, Hakiim saw a little girl crying on the ground covering their face from a man. When Hakiim approaches towards the little girl, he realizes that the girl was avoiding one of his pirate friend that was enforcing her to give out all her money. Realizing that what he saw wasn’t right, he consulted and begged his mother to change their lifestyle from robbing to helping. After a long argument, his mom finally agreed and prepares for the new plan.
ReplyDelete. The fleet went island to island, village to village while offering help in any sort of kind such as building bridges, paving the streets, digging s. With his mother being in charge, there wasn’t any difficulties ordering the pirates to do as she said. But as time passes by, the pirates started to show their old habits of stealing and robbing which caused the villages in need of help to suffer even more. The resurgence of those bad habits made Hakiim’s mother, the captain, to fall for a sickness and hasn’t been out of her room for weeks. Hakiim, in full doubt, was confused about what he was going to do. However, as he realizes back his true purpose which was to rejuvenate himself and mother’s morality, he gained back his spirit and started becoming the new leader, aiming for greater and honorable lives.
A few wise words from Adrian about your proposal: A novel about pirates! Nobody else has suggested this yet (after reading the proposed novel of three EWS classes). This is a good premise because specific contexts like this create a different ot twisted moral landscape and readers have to figure out what the modified ethical code is. The same goes for gangster stories or novels about dystopian societies. The readers follow how people react to and use the morals (or lack of moral) that apply in their environment. I also like the story arc for Hakiim and his mother. It’s a story of struggling to do the right thing. This could symbolize the struggles in the lives of so many of your readers.
DeleteCompare how you wrote it to how I have written it: First yours… “With his mother being in charge, there wasn’t any difficulties ordering the pirates to do as she said. But as time passes by, the pirates started to show their old habits of stealing and robbing which caused the villages in need of help to suffer even more. The resurgence of those bad habits made Hakiim’s mother, the captain, to fall for a sickness and hasn’t been out of her room for weeks.”
And then my version which may have a mix of grammar changes, punctuation, word choice changes, style changes etc.: “With his mother in charge as the captain, there weren’t any difficulties ordering the pirates to do as she said. But as time passed by, the pirates started falling into their old habits of stealing and robbing which caused the villages to suffer even more and need help. The resurgence of those bad habits resulted Hakiim’s mother to fall sick and she did not come out of her room for weeks.”
This novel is about self-acceptance. Tiana just turned 18 and got accepted into her dream’s university that is located in the capital of Indonesia. She is an innocent girl from Maluku and she moves with her family to Jakarta, her father got a new job in a multinational company. At first, Tiana is living her dream but it turns out to be a nightmare when someone from her university creates an application called “Date or Reject”. It is an application where boys in the university compare and pick girls. Tiana appeared on the app and boys reject her because she doesn’t belong to the beauty standard among girls in her university. Then this question appeared, “What is the beauty standard?”. Tiana hates to be born in a beautiful brown skin and curly hair, she wants a white skin and straight hair like girls in her university. Then it started to go downhill from there, she wasn’t herself. Girls in this novel are kind and beautiful. They helped Tiana and encourage her about the beauty standard. Beauty standard is set by the society and there is no standard to be beautiful, we just have to accept ourselves and feel beautiful. This novel portrays situation faced by this generation and it is the 21th century so girls are supporting girls.
ReplyDeleteA few wise words from Adrian about your proposal: This is an interesting - and perhaps a slightly unusual – topic for a novel: what is beauty? The dating application would make an innovative plot device and could be used to bring a range of characters into the storyline, each of whom would interact with your central character, Tiana. I think placing the issues surrounding “brown skin and curly hair” and “ white skin and straight hair” could be fascinating, not least because they could symbolize the causes of discrimination and prejudice: a fitting message for the 21st century.
DeleteCompare how you wrote it to how I have written it: First yours… “Tiana appeared on the app and boys reject her because she doesn’t belong to the beauty standard among girls in her university. Then this question appeared, “What is the beauty standard?”. Tiana hates to be born in a beautiful brown skin and curly hair, she wants a white skin and straight hair like girls in her university.”
And then my version which may have a mix of grammar changes, punctuation, word choice changes, style changes etc.: [1] using the historic present: “Tiana appears on the app and boys reject her because she doesn’t conform to the beauty standards among girls at her university. Then this question arises, “What is the standard for beauty?”. Tiana hates that she was born with beautiful brown skin and curly hair; she wants white skin and straight hair like girls at her university.” [2] using the past tense: “Tiana appeared on the app and boys rejected her because she didn’t conform to the beauty standards among girls at her university. Then this question arose, “What is the standard for beauty?”. Tiana hated that she was born with beautiful brown skin and curly hair; she wanted white skin and straight hair like girls at her university.”
This story will be about an undergraduate student of a certain university in Yogyakarta named Amari. Her mundane days habitually start with waking up, gawking at her screen, and then as an extremely well-known figure whose name is redacted would say; the cycle repeats. Maybe she would order some gudeg or sate ayam with lontong through a mobile application or visit Malioboro to appreciate the city she was currently in but otherwise, there is not much to say about her daily activities. Or is there?
ReplyDeleteOne evening, a package arrived at her house. The package had a cuboid form, much like the university textbook she had previously ordered a few days ago. Not expecting much, Amari cut through the plastic and bubble wrap to find that it was not the Mathematics for Economics and Business textbook by Ian Jacques. Scrunching her eyebrows, she held the crimson hardcover book and carefully examined it. It had no writings anywhere on the front and back cover. The paper quality looked like it belonged from a few decades ago; yellow and fragile. She then flipped through the book, trying to find any writing or scriptures amidst the pages but to no avail.
Amari was frustrated since she needed that book to grasp the materials taught in class. So she was furiously spamming the inbox of the poor seller on Shopee when she heard a loud bang downstairs. Assuming that it was probably the typical construction next door, she continued to troll the comments section on the seller’s page when suddenly her door was slammed open. Amari, pissed by the constant disturbances she faced that day, was about to scream her head off but immediately shut her mouth when she saw the figures circling her bed.
“You are under arrest for being in possession of Book R. You have the rights to keep silent.”
What happens next? Find out by either transferring IDR 12,000,000 per month to Annisa’s bank account (BTPN 9**********) or sending some food to Annisa’s address at Jalan N***** in Yogyakarta. Cheers.
A few wise words from Adrian about your proposal: I like this idea for a novel and nobody else in the EWS group has come up with this particular plot topic (blackmail using malware… I can’t remember the term for it off the top of my head). It’s a disaster that doesn’t happen to many people but, crucially, it could happen. This would make the predicament faced by Amari enthralling for your readers. Indeed, your plot set up is enthralling. But it stops there. A summary or outline needs to sketch out the entire plot in order to show where the storytelling will go and where it will end up. You are not the only student who has provided a ‘set up’ omly, that’s for sure. Nevertheless, this is a strong and intriguing idea for a novel.
DeleteCompare how you wrote it to how I have written it: First yours… “One evening, a package arrived at her house. It was cube-shaped - much like the university textbook she had ordered a few days previously. Not expecting much, Amari cut through the plastic and bubble wrap to find that it was not the Mathematics for Economics and Business textbook by Ian Jacques.”
And then my version which may have a mix of grammar changes, punctuation, word choice changes, style changes etc. a few suggestions: “One evening, a package arrived at Amari’s house. The package had a cuboid form, much like the book she had previously ordered a few days ago. Not expecting much, she cut through the bubble wrap only to find that it wasn’t the university textbook she thought it was going to be.”
In every sense of the word, Maya was safe. She was safe financially, she was safe physically, and her parents never miss an opportunity to spoil her and her siblings. The hardest moment of her life was when her parents banned her from biking in their courtyard, but that was short-lived when her parents moved to a new house and she was able to bike again. She’s had good friends, she visits their mansions, hosts parties at her own, and sometimes sleepovers. But they’re not best friends. Maya can’t have best friends. The problem is, she moves too much. City to City, metropolitan to metropolitan, but she was content. Life is good for her. Everyone must’ve lived like this, she thought. Every one she knows lived like this, with freshly mowed lawns and backyard pools. However, Maya was wrong to think that. Because she never saw what happened outside her closed mansion gate. she didn’t know about the riots that happened in the streets as the moving van whisks her family of to another city. She doesn’t read the legal documents her parents have to sign to be able to maintain their lifestyle. Until a serendipitous meeting with an old friend makes her question everything she’s ever been told.
ReplyDeleteA few wise words from Adrian about your proposal: You have created an interesting central character who is experiencing a facsinating predicament. You have set her up as a basically contented but naïve or oblivious person who is positive in her outlook. This means that the process of her finding out – and reacting to – the harsh realities in the outside world beyond her family home. You talk tantalizingly about “the legal documents her parents have to sign to be able to maintain their lifestyle” and about how “an old friend makes her question everything she’s ever been told”, and that is great, but a plot summary or outline needs to say what these things are! Your writing sounds like what one might find on the back cover of the book that is designed to make people want to buy it.
DeleteCompare how you wrote it to how I have written it: First yours… “She’s had good friends, she visits their mansions, hosts parties at her own, and sometimes sleepovers. But they’re not best friends. Maya can’t have best friends. The problem is, she moves too much. City to City, metropolitan to metropolitan, but she was content. Life is good for her. Everyone must’ve lived like this, she thought.”
And then my version which may have a mix of grammar changes, punctuation, word choice changes, style changes etc.: “She had made good friends. She visited their mansions, hosted parties at her own, and sometimes went on sleepovers. But they were not close friends. Maya couldn’t have close friends. The problem was that she moved too much: from city to city, and from town to twon. Nevertheless, she was content. Life was good for her. Everyone must have been living like this, she thought.”
My story is about a nation called Zabwa that has been affected by the back and forth war between two countries for almost two years. This nation is highly affected by the war as it is located right in between the two countries. However, none of the two countries are interested in declaring war and making a peaceful relationship. As a result, the nation of Zabwa received huge negative impacts. One of the most visible impact that is received by Zibwan people is the breaking down of their building infrastructure due to explosion of bombs. With this occurring, some people of Zabwa have lost their houses and work, leaving them homeless and unemployed. However, the story doesn't end here. The nation of Zabwa doesn't back down from this negative impact and started to find ways in order to avoid the same incident to happen again. Firstly, the government of Zabwa tried to motivate their people so that they would also have the same energy needed to bounce back from the painful situation and struggle. Secondly, the government strengthened their guard so that no individuals from those two countries that trigger the war are allowed to come inside of Zabwa. Not only that, they will together rebuild what has been broken and what they have lost from the war by improving the quality of infrastructure so that the buildings will not get broken easily in the future. With this story, different kinds of readers from any generation and from different countries around the world will be inspired, as what I expected. In addition, by the detailed and well arranged plot of the story, the reader can understand the meaning behind the story with ease and get the message behind it, which is on how solidarity and motivation is an important factor in contributing to make a change.
ReplyDeleteA few wise words from Adrian about your proposal: This is the first ‘contemporary’ war story I have seen (aside from a couple pf science fictions ones that have been proposed). You seem to be planning an epic tale on the scale of three nations and haven’t mentioned any specific characters. This will be the key to the success of your storytelling. War stories have the strategic level where governments decide to do things and battles occur. But there needs to be a ‘lide during wartime’ angle that examines the effect on ordinary people. The context of a war creates extraordinary dilemmas and hardships which can fascinate your readers. This sounds like a a proposal with good potential as long as it resonates on a personal level with your readers.
DeleteCompare how you wrote it to how I have written it: First yours… “As a result, the nation of Zabwa received huge negative impacts. One of the most visible impact that is received by Zibwan people is the breaking down of their building infrastructure due to explosion of bombs. With this occurring, some people of Zabwa have lost their houses and work, leaving them homeless and unemployed.”
And then my version which may have a mix of grammar changes, punctuation, word choice changes, style changes etc.: “As a result, the nation of Zabwa suffered huge, negative impacts. As for the Zibwan people, one of the most visible impacts was the destruction of their buildings and infrastructure due to bombing. Because of this, some Zabwan people had lost their homes and jobs.”
This book is about the diary of a girl who can’t seem to find her place in the world. It consists of her inner thoughts, ideas, struggles, and devastations. She’s your typical second-year high school student; a regular, timid, and shy individual that you can find in those novels, the background character. She didn't have any particular interest or passion until she was publicly humiliated by someone. After that gruesome incident, she swore that she will push her limits to conquer every obstacle around her as a revenge. The previously timid girl was no longer the girl she used to be, or she thought. No one would ever guess that she will be an outspoken and active person as time passed by. Even though she’s getting all of the recognitions she’s been longing for, she still felt empty, until she met someone who reminds her of her old self.
ReplyDeleteThis boy is basically the exact replica of her past self. It pissed her off and it often results in unnecessary arguments between her and the following latter. She didn't get it. Why is he so happy with his miserable life? Later on, she found the actual reason as she discovered that he also shares the same hobby as her, painting.
It turns out that their perspectives on art are the polar opposite. He loves art because he loves expressing himself through unconventional media, meanwhile, the girl is chasing for the perfection that she couldn’t find in herself. This book is about her journey in self-acceptance, a difficult process for everyone who share the same struggle.
A few wise words from Adrian about your proposal: This sounds like a very interesting tale of the personal struggle and development that your readers would empathize with and root for. The depiction of her transformation would be compelling. Her meeting a person who is like a version of her old self is an excellent plot device, as is the idea of her trying to change him and discovering that they perceive things differently for a fundamental reason. This could be a very absorbing novel.
DeleteCompare how you wrote it to how I have written it: First yours… “It consists of her inner thoughts, ideas, struggles, and devastations. She’s your typical second-year high school student; a regular, timid, and shy individual that you can find in those novels, the background character. She didn't have any particular interest or passion until she was publicly humiliated by someone.”
And then my version which may have a mix of grammar changes, punctuation, word choice changes, style changes etc.: “It consists of her inner thoughts, ideas, struggles, and her feeling about devastating events. She is a typical second-year high school student; a regular, timid, and shy individual that you can find as a background character in many novels. She doesn't have any particular interest or passion until, one day, she was publicly humiliated by someone.”
It was a quiet evening when Bruce Kimmy a 16 years old boy found out that he could heal himself after stepping into a fist fight earlier this afternoon. He lived in a nation where people have superpowers but just a few of them. People usually called them “The Paragon”. Bruce decided to keep it a secret from his family since he thought that healing is not a great skill to exaggerate. He lived his life normally and use his power just to heal himself. It didn’t take him long to realized that he has another power which is teleportation. He told his family about the super powers right after he saved his hamster, Polar, from death. He fell in love with both of his ability and wanted to master it and control them. He finally enrolled to the only school that will train their super powers, Star High.
ReplyDeleteWoland Lee is the president of the nation and also the head master of Star High superpower school. He is an ambitious, wicked and thirsty for power. He could do blood bending which able him to control the opponent’s body. He killed all of the people that he thought could threaten his position.
One day Bruce and his five friends were called to the head master’s office, they were offered a so called scholarship. The six of them are the best of their generation. This scholarship is a cover to kill all of them. Bruce didn’t expect that he will be getting into a bigger problem rather than getting six in his teleportation exam. One by one his friends went missing, he later found out that Mr. Woland has killed both of his scholarship friends.
He finally decided to gather force to dismiss their president. When they were about to lose, Bruce gain the ultimate power which will able him to absorb people’s superpower and he absorb all of Woland Lee’s power. He absorb it so much until he fainted and ended up losing all of his powers. At the last moments of his life, his healing ability returned and healed all of his broken muscles and veins. He survived but he can’t use any of his power except healing. Well at least he still one of the paragons right? And he finally realized that having healing power is one of the world greatest blessing
A few wise words from Adrian about your proposal: I don’t know enough about the Harry Potter series to be able to say how much influence there is from those chatacters and plots on the novel you are proposing here. That may be a good thing considering the phenomenal success of Harry Potter. That aside, I find this sometimes dark story about a teenager with superpowers very interesting. Magical elements always create fascinating modal dilemmas.
DeleteCompare how you wrote it to how I have written it: First yours… “He finally decided to gather force to dismiss their president. When they were about to lose, Bruce gain the ultimate power which will able him to absorb people’s superpower and he absorb all of Woland Lee’s power. He absorb it so much until he fainted and ended up losing all of his powers.”
And then my version which may have a mix of grammar changes, punctuation, word choice changes, style changes etc.: “He finally decided to gather a force to oust their president. When they were about to lose, Bruce gained the ultimate power which would enable him to absorb other people’s superpowers and he did this with all of Woland Lee’s powers. He absorbed them so much that he fainted and ended up losing all of his own powers.”
The novel’s title is STAND STRONG, it’s about the life journey of a disabled kid named Lonnie Hughes Bradshaw who was raised in a family with very poor economy. He has no legs, but has a very intelligent brain. He’s enrolled into a luxurious school through a scholarship programme that was offered by the school. Since the school is filled with crazy rich kids from crazy rich families all across the countries, Lonnie was bullied by the other students and often left out from activities. But Lonnie never gave up, he kept on pushing through the adversities and hardships, in order to make his parents proud, and his journey was never easy. His only friend left him to another country, and his pet dog which he rescued from the streets, died due an accident. After he finished school, he gave up on his scholarship in college to help his family’s economy, and the process of finding work was never easy either. He was discriminated by employers and people who saw him on the streets, calling him a monster or a filthy being. Yet again, he persevered to lessen the burden on his parents’ shoulder. After years and years of hard work and dedication, he finally became one of the richest and most successful entrepreneurs in the country. But that’s not the end of the story, a twist made Lonnie question his identity, the identity that he has lived with for the last 40 years. Want to know the story in detail and how it ends? Read the book STAND STRONG that you can find in WattPad.
ReplyDelete(On a serious note, I actually am writing this novel, an actual novel, a mini project that has stopped temporarily due to my busy schedule. You can find this book, still in progress, in WattPad. STAND STRONG by UnderLan18. I’ve published the first 8 chapter of the book. Sorry if my grammar and vocabulary is still very limited, I wrote the first 8 chapters when I was in my first year of high school. Go ahead and have a short read, I suppose it’s not as interesting as you will think though.)
A few wise words from Adrian about your proposal: Well, this is an interesting idea for a novel and it has the potential to make a lot of its readers reconsider their attitudes towards people with disabilities. I will take a look at what you have written. On a different note, if someone is allowing you a year to get this novel written and will pay you handsomely and even lend you a flat in which to love in comfort, I don’t think it’s a good tactic to say you have ALREADY written eight chapters! The twist at the end you mention sound very intriguing, by the way.
DeleteCompare how you wrote it to how I have written it: First yours… “He was discriminated by employers and people who saw him on the streets, calling him a monster or a filthy being. Yet again, he persevered to lessen the burden on his parents’ shoulder. After years and years of hard work and dedication, he finally became one of the richest and most successful entrepreneurs in the country.”
And then my version which may have a mix of grammar changes, punctuation, word choice changes, style changes etc.: “He was discriminated against by employers and people who saw him on the streets, who called him a monster or a filthy person. And yet, he persevered to lessen the burden his parents had to shoulder. After years and years of hard work and dedication, he finally became one of the richest and most successful entrepreneurs in the country.”
The whole world was shocked by an asteroid that hits the earth. Not only that it kills almost half of the human population. The impact that it create also causes magnet to not work properly. In the other word, it means that it destroys the entirety of the modern human civilization. This causes panic all around the world, especially for those who went away from their hometown in order to get a decent job or to continue their studies as a student. Giyo, one of the survivor is one from many students that left his hometown. At first, he tried to calm himself down and not let himself gets controlled by his own emotion. After being pushed by the fact that there are so many people lost their family, he then decided to try to go back to his hometown with his horse that he taken care of. Of course, going back into his hometown isn't as simple as it used to be. what used to take hours now take days and the roads aren't as good as it used to be. Every time he visited a town, he worked for someone in exchange for being able to stay for few days. He then finally arrived at his homeland, He immediately asked the villager that he first see about his family, the villager told him that his mother and his younger sibling passed away and the only one who is still alive is his father. He then asked about where his family's house is since it has been years since he last visited his homeland. He then thanked the villager and immediately rushes the house right after. When he saw his dad, he immediately hugs his dad and he felt grateful that he still got someone in the family that is still alive.
ReplyDeleteA few wise words from Adrian about your proposal: Science fiction storylines are great for creating fascinating dilemmas and problems that the characters then react to and try to deal with. Your proposal has this going for it. It also creates a kind of journey on with the central character goes; and it’s one that eventually brings him home. You would need to map out the development of this character and portray him as growing but with ups and downs and plenty of challenges and crises. This is potentiall very interesting.
DeleteCompare how you wrote it to how I have written it: First yours… “The whole world was shocked by an asteroid that hits the earth. Not only that it kills almost half of the human population. The impact that it create also causes magnet to not work properly. In the other word, it means that it destroys the entirety of the modern human civilization. This causes panic all around the world, especially for those who went away from their hometown in order to get a decent job or to continue their studies as a student. Giyo, one of the survivor is one from many students that left his hometown. At first, he tried to calm himself down and not let himself gets controlled by his own emotion.”
And then my version which may have a mix of grammar changes, punctuation, word choice changes, style changes etc., in this case, I am going to apply the ‘historic present’ tense consistently; take a look: “The whole world is shocked by an asteroid hitting the earth. Not only because it kills almost half of the human population. The impact that it has also causes magnets to stop working properly. In other words, it entirely destroys modern human civilization. This causes panic all around the world, especially for those who leave their hometown in order to get decent jobs or to continue their studies as students. Giyo, one of the survivor is someone who left his hometown. At first, he tries to calm himself down and not let himself get controlled by his emotions.”
Before Kiara Allison knew Elijah Collin, her life was totally normal. This charming girl is a second-year student majoring in business administration and also a devout Muslim. No matter how busy she was, She would never leave five salat prayers in a day. God was her number one priority. Unexpectedly, during her exchange year in the Netherlands, She met and got close to Elijah Collin, a christian activist. Elijah or as known as El, a well-proportioned man with a cross necklace draped on his chest. They were together on a lot of classes, projects, and events. At first, they both didn’t have any intention to be a couple. But, as everybody had predicted, They fell for each other and here’s where all the disaster started. Each one of them enforced their beliefs, no one wanted to leave their God, but no one wanted to end that relationship as well. Kiara sacrificed a lot of things in her life. She used to be very anti skin to skin contact with a man (non-muhrim) but after that story, she had become accustomed to skin to skin contact with a man. El was also willing to leave his Sunday worship’s session to accompany Kiara. At first, they kept it a secret between them but is there anybody who can keep a secret forever?. Their parents found out about this forbidden love story and everything was changed. What would they do? Would they defend their relationship or would they give up?
ReplyDelete“YOU WERE MY WORST LDR” tells a story about Two hearts, two religions. Their love story started with full of love, but ended full of understanding.
A few wise words from Adrian about your proposal: Well, well. This has the potential to be quite a controversial novel although it certainly relates to the changing realities in a world that is becoming smaller, so to speak, and one that is seeing more amd more overlap between traditions and values and cultures that were once far more separate. The more I think about your proposal, the more I think it would cause quite a stir. If the competing belief systems were depicted fairly and respectfully, and if the two protagonsist (and their relationship) were carefully and realistically portrayed, it could be a very successful novel – although, you would have to brace yourself for criticism.
DeleteCompare how you wrote it to how I have written it: First yours… “They were together on a lot of classes, projects, and events. At first, they both didn’t have any intention to be a couple. But, as everybody had predicted, They fell for each other and here’s where all the disaster started. Each one of them enforced their beliefs, no one wanted to leave their God, but no one wanted to end that relationship as well.”
And then my version which may have a mix of grammar changes, punctuation, word choice changes, style changes etc.: “They were together for a lot of classes, projects, and events. At first, they neither had any intention of becoming a couple. But, as everybody had predicted, they fell for each other and that’s when the disaster started. Each of them wanted to forced their beliefs on the other; neither wanted to give up their version of their Maker; but neither wanted to end the relationship either.”
Spent a total of 10 hours in the front of the gadget was just a normal habit to the citizens of 2020. Everyone has a blurry sight and a puzzled life. The controversial pandemic in 2020 was changing people's cultures slowly but sure. It was a year when, Arini, a clumsy university student, stepped up into the next level of life. She was not really affected due to the sickening days, as she was financially prepared. But she was sick of having the 'new normal', like what everybody have faced. Instead of being very discipline on the government's enactment, she was also keen of searching for larger challenges. Arini was an adventurous woman. But suddenly, she was trapped into her own ambitions.
ReplyDeleteDuring the first year, she halfly collapsed on her responsibilities. Arini was a member of 2 big organizations in the faculty, and also a part of 4 different university events. She always said, "yeah, let's go! nothing is impossible.". That phrase could be so strengthening, but deep in her heart, she would have found the definition of success. She is aiming to become the people's representatives. Organization is her world. Her dreams are just positive, but being busy it doesn't always mean someone is productive. Arini does not realize that she was being warned by her score of C in the first year.
One day, Arini did a self-revolution. Changing her minds for what is good for her. Selecting supportive matters and joining beneficial projects. She will not say yes to everything. She sees the new world order with a good vision. Beneath the strong pressure, she faces the harsh reality with only a golden head, and a silver heart. It was shocking when Arini was dropped out from the university because of her strong idealism to search for her definition on 'finding myself'.
She passes her angelic life purposes in one shimmering day. A mysterious person gave her a dark stick and told her that in February 29th of 2030, you will be the country's president. The person always make sure that Arini could always stand up for something bad that will happen to the people. He also hypnotized Arini that she will be the real super-woman. Arini's deadly challenge was to always be secured of what will the evil elites do. She was being reminded to bring the dark stick everywhere, her position could always be safe.
Who was Arini? and what will she do for this messed-up world?
Dependence will be reached when an individual is free from suffering, able to build up their pure hearts and being a truthful person, far away from the wicked matters.
A few wise words from Adrian about your proposal: This novel’s plot grows out of the predicament cause by the current global pandemic and it proposes to look at its impact on culture and issues on large scale through the mysterious central character, Arini. This has the potential to be absorbing, especially if readers identify with her perspectives and actions. It also has a ‘little people’ versus ‘the powers that be’ element which will capture the imagination. I can see how this idea – including the symbolic dark stick – could deliver spiritual and ideological ideas seen through the prism of everyday life.
DeleteCompare how you wrote it to how I have written it: First yours… “She passes her angelic life purposes in one shimmering day. A mysterious person gave her a dark stick and told her that in February 29th of 2030, you will be the country's president. The person always make sure that Arini could always stand up for something bad that will happen to the people. He also hypnotized Arini that she will be the real super-woman. Arini's deadly challenge was to always be secured of what will the evil elites do. She was being reminded to bring the dark stick everywhere, her position could always be safe.”
And then my version which may have a mix of grammar changes, punctuation, word choice changes, style changes etc. …in this case I change this paragraph to the ‘historic present’ tense: “She passes her angelic life purposes in one shimmering day. A mysterious person gives her a dark stick and tells her that in February 29th of 2030, she will be the country's president. The person always makes sure that Arini can stand up when something bad that will happen to the people. He also hypnotizes her so that she will be the real super woman. Arini's deadly challenge is to always be aware of what will the evil elites do. She is being reminded that, if she brings the dark stick everywhere, her position can always be safe.”
The title of this novel is called "things we left behind". The story revolves around a path that would lead to a dilemma of a security guard. Let us call him Mr. X. He is one of the most prominent security guards in the business. Known for his loyalty and sharp focus, Mr. X has never let his guard down when spotting cheaters and thieves in the casino. Unfortunately, things went south for him after the pandemic happened. Mr. X heard it through the grapevine that sooner or later the casino would shut down for good. He could not believe it. Although he loved his job, financial stability is still one of his main problems. Feeling frustrated, he decided to do the unthinkable. He called his project "the big score". He brought his colleagues from work to his place. He knew three people who would make this project work. There was Kenny who was in charge of the IT department. Then there was Mike and Kenzie. They were a close friend of Mr. X who happened to work as security at the casino. Starting with the plan, they decided to infiltrate the casino at night time where they would hope they could do it with stealth. They then need to have access to the door which is where Kenny will operate and do the hacking. Now all they have to do is play smart and quite to reach the big vault. What happens in the vault lies one of the most unexpected events that were beyond the control of Mr. X and the plan.
ReplyDeleteA few wise words from Adrian about your proposal: I like that you place a character who is just an ordinary person at the centre of your story. However, this sounds like the plot to a short story or a summary of a storyline single episode of a TV series rather than a novel. Or maybe I am wrong; maybe, if you really examine his shift from good guy to corrupt guy, it could be an interesting story.
DeleteCompare how you wrote it to how I have written it: First yours… “Starting with the plan, they decided to infiltrate the casino at night time where they would hope they could do it with stealth. They then need to have access to the door which is where Kenny will operate and do the hacking. Now all they have to do is play smart and quite to reach the big vault.”
And then my version which may have a mix of grammar changes, punctuation, word choice changes, style changes etc.: “They started with a plan. They decided to sneak into the casino at night time and hoped they could do it with stealth. Then they needed to have get past the door to where Kenny would carry out the hacking. Then, all they had to do was be smart and keep quiet as they made their wai into the big vault.”